Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts
by GoddessGirl1372
Summary: A story of how Sirius Black left his mark on Hogwarts.
1. Detention with Snape

Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts – A Sirius Black Story

By GoddessGirl

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Well, it's been a while. But I have finally been struck with inspiration again. About my other stories – 27 Stupid Things Sirius Finds to do in an Elevator will hopefully updated in the near future, along with my hit story Time Warp [or, more specifically, The Past is Our Present, Time Warp's sequel A Book on Lily may or may not be updated. I'm not sure yet. Crying Out will probably not be updated, but it is b not /b abandoned. Memory to Remember i has /i been abandoned, though I may rewrite it. I found several changes that I needed to make to it.

Now – on to our featured presentation

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Things I am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts – A Sirius Black Story

By GoddessGirl

'Harry, c'mon, you can't be serious about actually going.' Ron's remark was quickly followed by a loud 'ouch!' as Hermione whacked him with her bag.

'Of course he's going Ronald, he would get into much more trouble if he didn't!'

'But it's Snape, Hermione, i Snape /i . You know, the evil ugly greasy git that treats anyone who isn't in his house as if they were a piece of dirt?'

'Look you two,' Harry interrupted the bubbling argument, knowing that if he didn't soon he would find himself in the crossfire of a full on war. 'I am going to go to detention. Anyways, he said I was going to be sorting through the old records of what my dad did. Like all the times he got in trouble and how he got punished and stuff like that.' Ron gave a loud groan, Hermione gave a proud and triumphant grin.

'That means I'm going to have to be dragged off to the library with Hermione for hours on end.' This statement earned him yet another sharp whack.

'I'll see you two later.' Harry said to the arguing pair as he took a turn and headed toward Filch's office. He quickly found Professor Snape standing outside of it, a sneer on his face.

'Come Potter, your father and the rest of his friends have their own room of recorded detentions and foul play.' With that, Snape turned on his heel and stalked down the hall and took a left through a door Harry and never noticed before.

The first thought Harry had when he entered the room was that the person who had wrote down all of the detention records must have had a very sore hand. The room was quite large, about as big as the 5th year dormitory he slept in. All the walls except one were covered in shelves and filing cabinets, records sorted by the offender and the date they had broken a rule. There was barely any room at all to move around, but finally the two made their way to the very back of the room where an old wooden desk sat next to a bare fireplace.

'Unfortunately, I will not be able to supervise your detention, seeing as some pesky second years are in need of tutoring.' Snape growled, a look of obvious distaste on his face. 'I could not find another Professor to take my place on such short notice either.'

Many thoughts raced through Harry's head, this was either a very good situation or a very bad one. Harry doubted that Snape would leave him alone to do the work, maybe Filch was coming to supervise, Snape probably didn't place him under the category of 'Professor'. Suddenly, the tall fireplace burst into green flames and a man clad in old tattered robes stumbled into the room, blowing ash in with him. Coughing, Harry wiped his glasses clean and rubbed his eyes.

'Remus!' Harry said excitedly, running up to the old Professor and giving him a hug. 'How are you? How is everyone else at headquarters?'

'Hello Harry, everyone is fine.' Remus said kindly, taking a step back to dust of his shabby clothes and placing his broken suitcase on the desk.

'I must go, I will be back in two hours to see how progress is coming.' Snape sneered. 'If you still have not finished your work by then, then you must return tomorrow. Lupin has agreed to watch you for as long as it takes.'

'But Professor –' Harry began, but Snape was gone. 'Remus I don't even know what I have to do.'

'Oh, Snape wants you to re-record some of the more faded documents. Er, well, actually he wants you to record i all /i of the documents, but that's just completely ridiculous.' Harry gave him a greatful look, and then followed him as Remus walked up to a random filing cabinet and pulled it open.

'You might as well just go and rewrite Sirius' records. They're the oldest and he has the most.' Harry nodded and removed the first one from the cabinet.

'Sirius Orion Black, found accusing Hufflepuffs that they were 'covered in bees'. Wrote one hundred lines.' Harry read out loud.

'That was one strange day.' Remus laughed. 'I bet you all of his punishments were writing lines.'

'They were…' Harry muttered as he sorted through a couple more of the records. 'Why lines?'

'McGonagall went through a phase of believing the best way to drill something into someone's head was by writing lines. So that's what she had Sirius do.'

'Why was he accusing Hufflepuffs of being covered in bees?' Harry asked with a confused look on his face.

'Now that, is a story that must be told.' Remus said with a grin as he transformed Harry's shoes into two cushioned stools…

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One word. REVIEW. [please? also, note, in these stories there will be references to things that are in our time then theirs, this was done on purpose for the humor. If you don't like it don't read it.


	2. Bees and Spoons

Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts – A Sirius Black Story

By GoddessGirl

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'_It was a sunny morning, not unlike most that we awoke to find at Hogwarts. As always we woke to others pouring water on our heads or Sirius singing loudly in the shower and as always, we wondered out of our dorms and down into the halls where we met up with Sirius' current girlfriend…'_

'Siri!' the blonde girl jumped into Sirius' arms and hugged him tightly. Sirius gave Remus a strange look mouthing 'Who is this?'. 'Your girlfriend.' He mouthed back as he rolled his eyes.

'Hey Synth.' Sirius said as he tried to pull Synthia off of him, but she was latched on tight. 'Synth, I was thinking…'

'What cuddle-bear?' Synthia said, making her eyes big and shiny. Sirius groaned slightly as his friends sniggered.

'I think it's time that we saw different people.' Sirius said patting her on the shoulder. 'Hope you understand.' Synthia's smile disappeared from her face, her mouth stretching back into a sneer.

'What?' She said, her sickly grin haunting her once fair features.

'Synthia, it's been three days, and this really isn't working for me.' Sirius said with a shrug. 'Well, see you later.'

'You have really got to stop doing that Sirius.' Remus said as the four friends continued down the hall. 'Tell him James.'

'Listen mate,' James said as the entered the Great Hall and took their seats for breakfast. 'The way I see it, is you gotta find that one girl that's just hotter then all the others and then grab her and never let go.'

'I really don't which is worse.' Remus rolled his eyes. 'Sirius going after millions of girls or James stalking one girl.'

'Hey, I resent that.' James said. 'It's not stalking, I'm just still in the process of convincing her that I'm the man for her.'

'Oh yea, if you ever hook up with Evans, I'll massage Wormtail's feet, clean the entire dormitory, and never date Susan White again.'

'Deal!' James said definetly

'For your sake lets hope he doesn't – Wormy's feet have seen daylight in years, the dorms need to be fumigated, and you've dated Susan White 32 times in the past year.' Remus said giving Sirius a strange look.

'Oi! You mate!' a shout rang out from across the hall. All heads turned toward the Hufflepuff table where Synthia stood next to Trevor, her older brother. 'Black!'

'Hey, it's my main man, Trevor the Clever! T to the R to the E to the V-O-R! Wassup dude?' Sirius rapped as Trevor walked up to him, Synthia following close behind.

'Synth hear tells me that you've gone a dumped her.' Trevor growled.

'_Now you see, Trevor was not known for his looks. Unlike his sister, he was a very large seventh year with stubbly short brown hair. So when Sirius and him stood right infront of each other, Trevor obviously was much bigger.'_

'Why you do that? Got a good reason, dont'chya Black?'

'Uhh…' Sirius said glancing at Remus.

'Think of something intelligent.' Remus muttered at him. Sirius nodded and turned back to the large seventh year.

'Uhh…' Sirius said louder. Remus slapped his forehead. Sirius looked down at his hands, in one he held nothing, in his right was a spoon dripping with milk.

'_Sirius, being the smart person he is, realized there was only one thing to do.'_

Taking the spoon, Sirius looked Trevor straight in the eye and shoved the metal eating utinsel into his shoulder.

'Poke?'

Trevor blinked and Synthia raised an eyebrow. Sirius realized he was still alive, and taking this as a good sign, he poked him again.

'Poke!'

'Oi, stop it!'

'I must do it!' Sirius said as he poked him three times more. 'For I am a GRYFFINDOR!'

'Your as red as one.' Trevor muttered as he snatched the spoon away from Sirius and threw it on the floor.

'Ya well, uh, your covered in bees!' Sirius accused, very annoyed that he had been disarmed.

'What?' Trevor asked extremely confused.

'Your covered in bees and you are going to kill us all if you come any closer! Look at all the yellow and black! Bees!' Sirius shouted taking Peter's spoon and pointing it at Trevor.

'Black! 10 points from Gryffindor for disturbing all of Hogwarts during breakfast and detention tonight.'

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'McGonagall had him write 'I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are 'covered in bees'' Remus laughed as he finished his story.

'Wow.' Harry laughed as well. He stood up and walked back over to the filing cabinet where he removed another file from one of the many filing cabinets marked 'Sirius Black'.

'Sirius Orion Black, found interrupting Magical Creatures Lessons, wrote 100 lines.'

'Now that happened only three days later.' Remus smiled as Harry sat down again.


	3. CrumpleHorned Snorkack Hunter

Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts – A Sirius Black Story

By GoddessGirl

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'_The Magical Creatures teacher when I was at school was Professor Finborough. Finborough was always a sickly sort of person so she was regularly in and out of teaching meaning we had many substitutes. It became a game for Sirius to torture these substitutes. Only once he was caught for doing it in Magicial Creatures. And that was when Professor LaBranch taught.'_

'What a surprise.' James said pointing to a freshly posted bulliten in the Gryffindor Common Room. 'Professir Finborough is out again. I wonder who's subbing.'

'Hm..' Remus scanned through the notice until finally he spotted a name. 'Professor LaBranch.'

'Never heard of her before…' James muttered.

'No matter.' Sirius grinned. 'This LaBranch person is in for a very fun third period with me.'

'One: Sirius someone could have really interpreted that sentence wrongly if they came in at the wrong moment. And two, haven't you learned anything from those lines McGonagall made you write?' Remus frowned.

'McGonagall made me write lines about poking Hufflepuffs with spoons, not torturing MC Substitutes.' Sirius said passively.

'And she will make you write lines about that too if you go through with this.'

'Remus, mate, I do this at least twice every month. Never once have I gotten in trouble.'

'Well there is a first for everything, Padfoot.' James said.

'AH! James!' Sirius cried. 'You've gone to the dark side!'

'No, just the intelligent.' Grinned James. 'Anyways, I'm trying to get Evans to see me in a different light.'

'The only other light she'll ever see you in other then a bad light is an even worse one.' Sirius sniggered, earning a whack on the head from James.

'C'mon, we're going to be late.' Remus said sighing. 'Has anyone seen Peter?'

'His Grandmother's sick again.' Sirius said sadly. 'She hasn't been doing well for a while now.'

'I saw her over the summer, and she seemed just fine.' James said thoughtfully.

'Peter said she got bad after we came back to school.' Remus said with a shrug and left the common room.

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'Third period.' Sirius announced as they made their way down the hill and towards the Forbidden Forest. 'Best part of the day.'

'I thought lunch was the 'best part of the day'.' James said curiously.

'I thought it was dinner.' Remus put in.

'Your both wrong, it's breakfast, but not today. For today is the day we get see LaBranch-ay.'

'LaBranch-ay?' Remus raised an eyebrow.

'To make it rhyme.' Sirius explained. 'Now – We're off to see LaBranch-ay! The wonderful LaBranch-ay of Oz! Over the river and through the woods to LaBranchay's house we gooo…something something something…'

'_When I was going to school there was a building for the Magical Creatures lessons. It got burnt down some years later by same odd creature. But anyways, we all sat down and we got ready for the lesson. Not all of got ready in the same way though…'_

Remus carefully took out his notebook, quill, ink, wand, and Care of Magical Creatures book and organized them carefully on his desk. Turning to his left, he watched as James took out his things and carelessly pile them up onto his desk in an unsteady heap. Sighing, he turned to his right and yelped. Sirius was sitting on top of his desk, his wand out, tucking dungbombs into his belt and shoes, Filbuster Fireworks down his shirt, and fake wands in his pockets.

'PADFOOT!' Remus shouted, causing Sirius to jump and fall on the floor, his pranking supplies flying in every direction. 'What the bloody hell are you doing?'

'Preparing for class.' Sirius grinned wildly. 'I thought I'd start out with your basic distractions and then head into the more professional destroyers.'

'I don't think so.' Remus glared. 'I rather like Care of Magical Creatures, and having you ruin almost half the lessons we take is not good enough for me. Hand it all over.'

'But-But-But – ' Sirius stammered, looking very helpless indeed.

'No buts, hand it all over.' And so Sirius filled Remus' hands with fireworks, fakewands, squeeking ice-mice, dungbombs, a complete set of gobstones, and peppermint toads.

'Now that you have no distractions maybe you'll actually able to _pay attention_ during this class.' Remus said as he packed all the magical supplies into his own bag.

'Why don't you ever bother James about paying attention?' Sirius grumbled as he crossed his arms in a very childish way. 'All he does in classes is write love poems to Evans.'

'WHAT!?' James shouted standing up. 'YOU'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH MY BAG AGAIN HAVEN'T YOU?'

'Be that as it may – ' Remus said as he restrained James. 'He is not the one that comes to me bribing me to write his essays for him.'

'That was one time.' Sirius muttered.

'Yes, once today, over a million times since I have met you.' Remus pointed out. 'James, just sit down!' James glared across Remus at Sirius before sitting down and continuing to glare at his desk.

'EVERYONE SHUT UP!' A voice screeched suddenly. All heads shot forwards where an extremely short woman with white curly short hair stood. Her robes were too tight for her and several large bulges around her sides indicated her pockets were filled with confinscated items. 'WE ARE HERE TO LEARN NOT SOCALIZE!' Slamming her briefcase on the front desk, she whipped out her wand and pointed it at the chalkboard with shut force that it flipped several times and moved back a few inches on its wheels before comes to a stop. Chalk quickly scribbled her name across the board.

'My name is Professor LaBranch.' Her eyes bulged as she spoke as though she was going to explode. 'And I am here to teach you,' she whipped her wand in the general directions of the board again and the chalk quickly spelt out the words ' –Care of Magical Creatures. Don't talk. Do your work. And you might survive.' Everyone gave each other nervous glances as if thinking the same thing – What the bloody hell?

'EYES FORWARD!' the Professor shouted.

'Who does she think she is?' Sirius whispered to no one in particular.

'YOU THERE! BOY! WHATS YOUR NAME?'

'Me, Mate? G'day, my name's Steve, Steve Irwin.' Sirius grinned. Remus slapped his forehead while the others sniggered. 'People call me the Crumple-Horned Snorkack Hunter.'

'Really Mr. Irwin?' Professor LaBranch said as she stalked up to Sirius.

'_She probably would have looked very frightening if she had been at least taller then his shoulder with him sitting down. And maybe if she had been he would have stopped there…'_

'Yes ma'am. I love this class, plenty of magical creatures here. CRICKEY!' Sirius jumped out of his seat practically knocking the short woman over. 'Look at that Crumple-Horned Snorkack. She's a beauty, she is.' Sirius walked slowly up to an empty desk and crouched behind it.

'Yer must be careful when handling a Snorkack, because it's horn might be crumpled but it still can put some damage on yer.' Jumping over the desk and whipping out his wand, Sirius pretended to capture the Snorkack, his wand letting out large red sparks.

'It was a difficult job, but I caught the little bugger.' Sirius said triumphantly as he sat down.

'MR. IRWIN YOU ARE IN A GREAT AMOUNT OF TROUBLE! YOU HAVE INTERRUPTED MY CLASS AND NOW YOU WILL PAY THE PRICE!'

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'Later on, LaBranch told McGonagall what had happened and she guessed correctly that the strange Australian boy named Steve Irwin was really the insane Gryffindor Sirius Black. So he was sent to write more lines, this time it was something like 'No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.'

Laughing, Harry took out yet another document.

'Sirius Orion Black, caught stealing one Remus J. Lupin's personal items and destroying school property, wrote one hundred fifty lines.'


	4. A Closed Library and Burning Books

Things I am Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts – A Sirius Black Story

By GoddessGirl

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'_Saturdays were always spent relaxing by the Marauders. James and Sirius normally spent there time outside sitting and talking, maybe pranking. Peter just followed them around wherever they went. I, how ever, spent my time wisely. I read during the weekends, spending most of my time in the library. Sirius didn't approve of this, however. So he decided to do something about it…'_

A scream, a shout, followed by fearful cries echoed around Hogwarts. Remus Lupin hurried down the hall, taking a sharp turn and found a large group of Ravenclaws standing around the entrance of the Library. Unlike normal, the doors were tightly sealed. A piece of elegant parchment covered in flourished writing was nailed to the front of the door. Pushing past the reckless students, Remus made his way up to the door in order to get a better look at the parchment.

_By Order of the Headmaster,_

_The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's library will be closed for an indefinite time period. Those who wish to return books, please leave them on the two bookshelves provided on either side of the door. Those who wish to take out books will have to await re-opening. Late returns will still lead to normal punishments. Notices shall be sent out and posted on all house bulliten boards when the library opens once more._

_Thank you for your patience,_

_Headmaster Albus Dumbledore_

_Professor Minerva McGonagall_

_Madam Pince_

Frowning Remus sighed and left the annoyed and anxious Ravenclaws, deciding to head back upstairs to his dormitory where he had his own stash of books to choose from. As Remus walked across the bridge that connected the main building to the separate towers, he spotted James and Peter lying on the ground talking and laughing. '_That's strange…_' Remus thought to himself. _'Where's Sirius…_'

After echoing the same password as every other Gryffindor had for the past month, Remus entered the common room and quickly climbed the stairs to the dorms. Opening the door to his dorm, Remus practically screamed. There were his book shelves – empty. Not a single book was left. His personal shelf and his shelf for school books were both bare.

Racing up to the shelf, dropping his bag on the way, he climbed on his bed and began looking for his missing books, pulling back the bed sheets and checking under the bed. Running back over to his bag, he opened it and searched through it. All of his spell books were missing too. Just when he was about to faint from worry, Remus noticed a small scrap of folded paper sitting on one of his shelves. Unfolding it, Remus read.

'_Come outside,_

_Enjoy the sun._

_Get your nose out of your books,_

_And have some Marauder fun.'_

'SIRIUS!' Remus shouted. Grabbing his wand from his bag, Remus sprinted down the stairs out of the common room, down the hall, through the Entrance Hall, and out the main doors.

'Where the bloody hell is Black?' Remus practically shouted.

'Uh…' James and Peter exchanged glances. 'We don't er know…'

'WHERE IS THAT GIT?!'

'I'm guessing you've noticed the, uh, missing, er, books…' Peter stumbled over his words.

'Tell me, where he is. Now.' Remus said in a deathly whisper.

'I am sorry Remus, but by informing you I would be breaking my promise of silence to –' Peter began, but Remus interrupted by pointing his wand at his throat. 'HE'S IN THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT!'

Remus let out a low growl and ran back towards the main building.

'You really do cave in fast don't you wormtail.' James said shaking his head.

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'SIRIUS!' Remus shouted, banging his fists against the wooden door that had appeared before him. 'OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!' Suddenly, the door swung open, causing Remus to fall over into the darkness of the unlit room. Remus stood up, squinting around the room. One by one, the torches on either side of the room burst into flames until they finally met up at the end where a throne stood. The throne was made of books, many books. School books mostly, but also some books Remus recognized as his own. And there, sitting on the throne of literature, was Sirius, a wide grin across his face.

'So, you have found me.' Sirius said, twiddling his thumbs. 'Peter ratted me out didn't he.'

'Just give me back my books, Black.' Remus said, getting into battle stance, his wand pointed directly at Sirius' head. 'And no one gets hurt.' Sirius stood up and leaned against the back of his skillfully built throne.

'Phftt. Like you'd actually hurt m –' Sirius was cut short as a jet of light zoomed past his head with such force that it knocked him over, back into the chair. 'Ok. Maybe you would, but, you wouldn't hurt – YOUR PRECIOUS BOOKS!'

'You wouldn't dare.' Remus muttered, his eyes narrowing.

'Oh yes I would.' Sirius said standing. '_Wingardium Leviousa!' _The two boys watched as the books flew into the air, and began circling Sirius. Remus looked slightly panicked for a minute, but his panic turned from afraid he would damage the books to Sirius hurting the books. The books were zooming faster and faster around Sirius, and some were about to break free of Sirius' magic.

'Sirius…' Remus said warningly as Sirius cackled. 'Sirius. SIRIUS!' This wasn't a good idea. The shout made him jump, causing him to stop the spell completely. The books fell, crashing to the floor, most being thrown to the sides of the room due to the force of the magic and the speed of them moving. Remus screamed in horror as the books flew into the torches, catching on fire. Sirius yelped as burning pages fell around him.

'_Aguamenti!_' Remus shouted as several more pages caught on fire. A stream of water flew out of his wand onto the hissing flames, but he could not conjure enough water to really have any effect at all.

'Remus c'mon, we need to go!' Sirius shouted pulling Remus by the arm. Together, the two boys stumbled out of the room, coughing and spluttering, landing on the floor, by Professor McGonagall's feet.

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'I was angry at Sirius for days, but it was pretty obvious how bad he felt.' Remus said as he finished his story. 'Sirius' pranks and jokes normally start out in a good light in his eyes and then fall into a bad one in every else. McGonagall took it easy on him. 150 lines, 'The Ravenclaws do not find it amazing at all for me to post a sign saying 'the library will be closed for an indefinite amount of time'. Remus will always read books on the weekend and by burning them I have gained nothing.''

'Wow, Sirius got in trouble a lot.' Harry said as he pulled out yet another card. 'Sirius Orion Black, disturbed Divination class, 175 lines.'

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